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The Best (and Worst) Films of 2019: The Bad

The second tier contains films that are decidedly bad but not terrible either. Nobody's first choice but if it's the only thing left in the fridge you'll power through it. These are the Keystone Lights.

#82. Hellboy

I hate how many unrealized projects Guillermo Del Toro has left by the wayside just as much as the next guy but it was especially painful to see the potential third Hellboy derailed because of this ugly turd sandwich. Del Toro's two Hellboy features are two of the most underrated comic book films ever made while this, feels about as dated and desperate as the Ben Affleck Daredevil. From the onslaught of cheesy one liners to the out of place heavy metal guitar soundtrack, this film has way too much in common with the comic book flops of the mid 00's and absolutely wastes any potential rebirth this character might have had.

#81. The Man Who Killed Don Quixote

Terry Gilliam's long gestating passion project feels surprisingly passionless and excruciatingly long. Despite a phenomenal performance by Jonathan Pryce, the film moves along at such a carefree pace that there's little to no urgency in the dull story he's trapped inside of.

#80. Dark Phoenix

Perhaps it's fitting that a studio notorious for micromanaging their IPs to death would have the unceremonious ending to one of their lone successful franchises sputter out in such a spectacularly disappointing fashion. The final summer blockbuster from 20th Century Fox and the 19 year run of X-Men films as we know them may be the biggest waste of on screen talent since Ridley Scott's The Counselor. Truly remarkable that one of the best X-Men stories out there can come out this bland on the big screen AGAIN.

#79. Cold Pursuit

The latest entry in Liam Neeson's reign as Hollywood's old white guy that can still kick ass has a few moments of b-movie charm that are ultimately derailed by awful attempts at humor and a villain so over the top he's nearly unwatchable. Feels like the Fast and the Furious creative team tried to remake Fargo.

#78. Motherless Brooklyn

I love Ed Norton but his choices in this film utterly baffle me. The politically charged noir gangster story line is actually pretty engaging but the decision to make the lead character battle tourettes the entire film? It might not have been so bad if Norton's portrayal wasn't so over the top. So much so that it hearkens back to Ben Stiller's Simple Jack character from Tropic Thunder. It's laugh out loud ridiculous. Never in a million years would I have thought a film written and directed by Ed Norton would have it's fatal flaw be the acting performance from Ed Norton.

#77. The Dead Don't Die

I've never really been a big Jim Jarmusch fan but a zombie comedy with a cast this deep is hard to ignore. That is, unless it's as dry and pointless as this turned out to be. The only point of intrigue this movie really evokes is how dazzlingly pointless it all is. From the confused political angle that never really develops and a fourth wall break that leads absolutely nowhere - it's really hard to see this as anything more than an exercise in futility.

#76. Pet Sematary

While the original Pet Sematary was certainly better than most 80's adaptations of King's work, I definitely saw room for improvement with a modern update. It seems fitting however, that Pet Sematary would have been better off not being brought back at all. All of the subtext about mourning and death being just another part of life - all negated in the closing moments of the film when the dramatic build up of the first hour plus devolves into a zombie daughter trying to kill and reanimate her family. An ending so terrible that it absolutely sinks what was building to be an otherwise passable adaptation.


Read the Full Review Here.

#75. Murder Mystery

This was my first foray into the Adam Sandler / Netflix collaborative catalog and while it's obviously low hanging fruit, it wasn't as offensively terrible as I anticipated. Just lazy. Like the way they couldn't even bother to come up with a clever name. It's so obviously just another paid vacation for Sandler and such a waste of his comedic talents to simply grow a mustache and make dad jokes about eating too much.

#74. Captive State

Captive State reminds me a lot of Elysium, in that it creates a fascinating sci-fi universe but the story and characters within it never really do anything compelling to fill it. Like a video game with no objective. Or a pilot episode that was never picked up for a full series. The shoddy CGI and lack of action sequences also point to perhaps a larger scale than it's financial resources could provide.

#73. The Dirt

I've never come out of a biopic that tries to paint it's subject matter in such a redemptive light and instead left utterly repulsed. I'm not at all chastising the rock and roll party lifestyle of the 1980's but this group feels so un-redeemable in their reckless excess and vapid musical endeavors that now it makes my skin crawl every time I hear "Kickstart My Heart" and think of the blood on Vince Neil's hands and how he basically celebrated the fact that he walked away vehicular manslaughter with a stadium rock anthem. The entire film feels like that - a gross celebration of what the band was able to get away with. Not a heartfelt confessional, just a string of episodic bragging.

#72. Knives Out

From it's sprawling ensemble cast to it's premature fanboy hype, Knives Out gave me all the feels of Bad Times at El Royale all over again. And that's not a compliment. While Bad Times had a stellar cast of characters in a vibrant atmosphere with an unrestricted R-rating, it was held back by a convoluted and overly long story. Knives Out's story is much more concise, it's just not nearly as colorful and it's cast is mostly wasted on flat characters.

#71. Aladdin

Will Smith should consider himself lucky that Sonic the Hedgehog and the CGI Cats adaptation have run away with the title for most nightmarish computer generated characters of the year. His incarnation as the Genie is just as off putting. Virtually every alteration the live action update takes from the animated original is a downgrade, most notable being the final showdown between Aladdin and Jafar being altered from a giant killer cobra to a massive Iago parrot (who isn't even voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, smdh).

#70. Doctor Sleep

As unneccessary as a Shining sequel seems at face value, I trusted Gerald's Game and The Haunting of Hill House director Mike Flanagan (as well as the fact that Stephen King wrote the source material) that there might be some unseen potential for a follow up. But the tie ins to the Kubrick film feel like little more than cheap fan service. Flanagan seems more preoccupied with recreating moments from Kubrick's masterpiece which ultimately look like scenes from a bad straight to tv sequel that couldn't secure any of the original actors. Even worse, it adds nothing to the new threads that the Doctor Sleep story line evokes. It's as if there are two half baked concepts for a film here superimposed on top of each other without ever intertwining.

#69. Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile

Despite fairly compelling performances from Zac Efron and Lily Collins, the dramatization of Ted Bundy's trial fails just isn't quite as engaging as the real thing. There's nothing new here about Bundy's story you couldn't extract from previously existing materials which makes this feel much less impactful. Like Oliver Stone trying to recreate Edward Snowden's story better than Snowden himself did in the documentary Citizenfour.

#68. Velvet Buzzsaw

Even in it's moments of biting satirical comedy centered on the art world, the reunion of Nightcrawler's Rene Russo, Jake Gyllenhaal and Dan Gilroy is hard to classify as anything other than a disappointment. The film's intelligent undercurrent is undermined time and time again by it's goofy Tales From the Crypt horror tone.

#67. Long Shot

Until this year I hadn't really realized how long it's been since we've gotten a legitimate blockbuster comedy outside of the latest Kevin Hart or Melissa McCarthy vehicle. And while the pieces at play in Long Shot should add up to a success, the film never really sells you on the unlikely romance at the center of it. Theron and Rogen have no chemistry and the political subplot feels tired and unnecessary. An unfortunate misstep for all involved.

#66. The Lion King

Perhaps the most unnecessary of Disney's "live action" updates, Jon Favreau's CGI singing and dancing animals lack the color and vibrancy of it's animated source material. The vocal performances feel absolutely lifeless, the hyper realistic animal renderings feel ridiculously out of place while the soul and imagination seems to be sucked out of this shot for shot retelling shamelessly cashing in on childhood nostalgia like only Disney can.


#65. Charlie Says

As well intentioned as Mary Harron's examination of Manson's victims seems, it ultimately fails to provide any new insight to it's already well covered material. Merritt Wever delivers a phenomenal performance but the three victims at the center of the story (namely Hannah Murray) are absolutely dreadful.

#64. Richard Jewell

Eastwood's thinly veiled political agenda doesn't do nearly as much to heroicize Richard Jewell as it does to demonize the press. The retelling is entirely unnecessary and wholly uninteresting while Paul Walter Hauser's performance inspires more unintended laughter than sympathy. Kathy Bates delivers a solid supporting effort but her role aside, the film is emotionally flat and narratively dry.

#63. Late Night

As charming as Emma Thompson is as a pseudo Dave Letterman late night host, the surrounding cast never really grows in any meaningful way nor does the story. It brings up some interesting points but never makes any arguments on anyone's behalf. It's a half baked comedy that tries to sell itself as "woke" while wrapping everything in a syrupy feel good bow.

#62. Dumbo

Tim Burton seems to be recycling his Big Fish circus aesthetic here in a film that spends way too much time with it's uninteresting human characters rather than relying on its' lovable title character. It's a passable CGI fairy tale that fails to live up to the potential of virtually all the talent involved.


#61. Tone-Deaf

Tone-Deaf, or "OK Boomer: The Horror Movie", seems to think it's much clever than it actually is. But it's about as subtle as Robert Patrick bludgeoning you over the head with a hammer. There are some quirky bits of humor here and there when satirizing the generational divide but the cringe inducing, patronizing way our leads literally spell out the film's motives by talking to the camera is pretty hard to get passed. Robert Patrick makes for a great horror villain but it's not enough to save this movie from it's know it all narrative.

#60. Ready or Not

I love the emergence of Samara Weaving as a millennial scream queen but other than her lead performance, there's not a lot to be found here. Ready Or Not plays mostly as the middle ground between You're Next and Clue, in a dark comedic look at class inequality and family structure. It's slapstick humor relies too heavily on shock value and the horror never feels genuine due to it's quirky tone.

#59. Captain Marvel

It's not really the forced female empowerment story that drags Captain Marvel into the bottom tier of Marvel origin stories (although it doesn't help) - it has more to do with the terribly stiff action sequences and the fact that Brie Larson looks like a poorly made action figure trying to maneuver in her rubber space outfit. Oh and all the cheap '90s references that make Stranger Things look like a expertly crafted and subtly nuanced time capsule.

#58. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot

Kevin Smith's return to the View Askew-niverse is packed full of obvious and rehashed jokes from his previous films but the story at its core is surprisingly more sentimental than you'd expect. What starts out at as a fairly lazy excuse for a 25th Anniversary party set to film eventually grows into a somewhat touching story about fatherhood and provides some fitting closure to the Jay and Silent Bob cinematic universe. But it's easily the worst film in the series as it falls into the familiar trap of comedy sequels reusing the exact jokes from the original films ad nausea.



View the Rest of the 2019 Tiers Here:



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