Our 2019 Year in Review now takes aim at dividing this year's cinematic output into our 5 tiered system and we're starting with the worst of the worst. While I never took the time to watch Cats (though I'm certain it would fit right in with the rest of this group) here are the most embarrassing ways I spent 90 minutes in front of a screen this year. Welcome to the Gathering of the Juggalos.
#91. 3 From Hell
While House of 1000 Corpses was a little too derivative for me, Rob Zombie's filmmaking career definitely hit it's peak with his 2005 follow up, The Devil's Rejects. But one of the biggest assets both films carried was the charisma of Sid Haig's Captain Spaulding, who is unfortunately limited to a single scene in this film due to his deteriorating health. Without Haig, Sheri Moon Zombie and Bill Moseley really struggle to carry the movie on their own but Rob's lackluster script that inexplicably starts off as a true crime courtroom drama doesn't do much to help them either. It's a painfully dull and uninspired follow up and I'd really love to see Zombie direct another writer's script for a change if his writing is going to remain this limited.
#90. Critters Attack
Now I get that your expectations should be pretty low when you're talking about a made for SyFy requel touting the return of Dee Wallace as it's biggest draw but come on, I don't understand how the Critter puppets made 30 years ago look better than the ones in 2019? The buckets of green slime and the wanna be grounded PG feel good tone make this feel like something you'd find on Nickelodeon. And while the Critters themselves are certainly disappointing, the human characters are just so insufferable and poorly written that there's nothing for the viewer to invest in. It's a monster movie full of awful looking monsters attacking boring characters you don't really care about.
Read the Full Review Here.
#89. The Death of Dick Long
From one half of the directing duo that brought us the best film of 2016 (Swiss Army Man) I was really hoping for something more than this collection of low brow redneck jokes. Sure, there's a bit of an undercurrent about the death of innocence and growing up but it's delivered in such a one note fashion that the joke becomes unbelievably tired before you ever reach the final "payoff". Which again, feels like just another cheap redneck joke too obvious for anyone to actually guess as the film's climatic reveal.
#88. Serenity
This was, without a doubt, the most bizarre viewing experience of the year for me. I can't recall a major studio film going this far off the rails in quite some time. Maybe The Happening? In fact it's so bizarre, that I could easily see this becoming a "so bad it's good" cult classic down the line for it's absurd Black Mirror twist embedded in a sultry Lifetime movie of the week.
#87. The Laundromat
While The Big Short succeeded in breaking down complex financial constructs by simplifying them for the audience, The Laundromat does it in such a patronizing manner that it's hard not to feel talked down to. Its' ridiculous finale with Meryl Streep dressed as the Statue of Liberty is the most grating example of Hollywood preaching at it's audience I can ever recall. It's kind of stunning that such a phenomenal filmmaker as Soderbergh wouldn't see how pompous this comes off. Add to that the fact that none of the intertwining stories are nearly as interesting as The Big Short either and you're left with an inferior film in every capacity.
#86. Her Smell
You really have to give it to Elisabeth Moss here, she does absolutely everything she can to put this film over. Her performance goes from completely unhinged and volatile one minute to heart-breakingly fragile and vulnerable the next. But the rest of the film, is surprisingly thin and underdeveloped. It's like she's the overachieving A+ student who does the entire group project by herself, with everyone else just standing around twiddling their thumbs.
#85. Child's Play
The tragic re-imagining of Chucky the killer doll tries to be too many different things at once. Which leads to a wildly erratic tone that waivers from outright comedy to tired slasher to social commentary - while not doing ANY of it well. Chucky's been reduced from a sadistic serial killer trying to transplant his soul into the body of an innocent young child to that weird facebook mom that comments on every single one of your friends' posts. He's just a confused piece of hardware hellbent on doing anything and everything to make his owner happy that never really registers as menacing, just creepy. And that atrocious doll design, yikes...
Read the Full Review Here.
Check out our Child's Play Series Recap Here.
#84. Terminator: Dark Fate
While I didn't hate Terminator Salvation, I can definitely understand this franchise trying a hard reset to try and create a true follow up to Judgement Day. But this was pretty outright terrible. The action sequences were the worst we've gotten in the series thus far and Arnold's inclusion is so clunky and forced that it's outright laughable. And the opening flashback scene comes as such an unnecessarily shocking gut punch that film never really recovers from it.
See where Terminator ranks in our Best Action Movie Franchise of All Time list.
#83. Rambo: Last Blood
For as much shit as Terminator gets for having terrible sequels, Rambo is much worse in my opinion. First Blood is an incredible stand alone film but every follow up since has been plain dreadful. And while Last Blood returns to the brtual Home Alone style booby traps of the first film (and to be fair, First Blood did it before Kevin McCallister) the obligatory build up to finally get to John Rambo's final blood bath is about as predictable as it gets.
View the Rest of the 2019 Tiers Here:
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